today

Today it feels as if the stress of my part time job in healthcare is casting a shadow over this day.  I really enjoyed this job during my first year and a half of employment there, but not anymore.  The past year has brought an increase in our volume of patients as well as patients requiring a higher level of care. I have found it to be draining and exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I thought that as our business increased, my employer would hire additional staff to handle the increasing demands of this job.  They have no intentions of doing so.  Financial pressures in healthcare have resulted in fewer people doing more work leading to higher stress levels.  Combine the stress with almost an hour commute to work each way, and I can hardly wait for God to answer my cry for something more fulfilling and less draining.  Thankfully my work is only 3 days a week, but lately the stress carries over to the other days even when I am not there.

Lately I can't help but think about some of my earliest memories as a child.  When I was a young girl I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mom.  That was it - a wife and a mom.  I also did have a desire for ministry, and around age 13 I had the impression that someday I would marry a man who would be a pastor.

Despite my desire to be a wife and a mom - to fully devote myself to those roles and the care of our home - I never felt like I could choose that.  In this modern world, I didn't feel like that was a choice on the menu of life options.  I felt like I had to go to college and do something noble with my life.  I can honestly say I lacked direction and had no clear indication from God as to what career He wanted me to pursue.  I eventually chose to major in Early Childhood Education, but did not graduate from college due to financial obstacles.  After having invested three years of my life toward a bachelor's degree in early childhood education, I was not able to go my senior year and graduate.  I was a bit behind, so it may have been 1 1/2 years, but still, it never resulted in my graduating.

My education took a backseat to marriage and being a mom.  I worked for years doing clerical work in a variety of settings all the while knowing I felt I was capable of more.  I so wanted to do more and be more, but I didn't know what to do.  My husband was supportive in my going back to school, but was adamant that whatever education I pursued had to translate into a job in that field in this current economy.  So, not because I felt "called" to pursue medical imaging, but simply because it seemed like a good opportunity and because it was local, I decided to go back to school to become a tech in the field of radiology.

I was full of hope upon my graduation.  Those two years of school proved to be challenging and graduation could not have come soon enough.  I was ready to use my education.  It wasn't long though - maybe 6 weeks into my new job - that it became very clear to me that this was not a career "calling" for me.  It was definitely a lot more fulfilling than the clerical work I had been doing before returning to school for medical imaging, but I can definitely say that I don't feel like it is my calling in terms of my life's work.

So, now, I am 2 1/2 years into this work, nearly burned out already by both the long commute and the demands of the work and my heart yearns for something more.  I so desire to contribute to my family's income in a way that allows me to prioritize my work at home and my roles as wife and mom.  It is financially necessary for me to be a contributor to my family's income, but I honestly feel like I am going to lose my mind if I don't find some other kind of meaningful work soon.

My work with the Starfish Project gives me some hope.  It embodies both my heart for ministry as well as being able to contribute to my family's income while sharing my passions to ultimately make a difference in the lives of others.  I love this new work, and I would LOVE to give myself to it full time, but to be honest, it is difficult even now to find opportunities to do this work as I work evenings and a lot of Saturdays, which limits the amount of time I have to give.  If I could step out in faith and fully embrace this, I would.  I think God would bless it, but I also know my husband has to see a firm guarantee of numbers before I can leave my current job -- so a step of faith for me in this right now seems out of reach in some ways.

Please pray for me as I seek to be able to contribute to my family's income in life giving ways and in ways that will allow me to prioritize my time at home, and participate in ministry as well.

Thanks so much for listening to my heart!